What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
