good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
