babies were throwing up all over the place
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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