Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
