Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
