Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
