i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
