shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
