I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.