Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
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