So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
