I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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