Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I need to align my fucking chakras
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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