she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
