fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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