I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
