we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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