im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize