I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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