She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
