last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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