My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
