My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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