you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
