hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
