Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
