Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
