I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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