didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
