i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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