I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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