Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We left an ass print on the piano.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
