I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
