i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
