Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
