Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
