May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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