My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
