remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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