Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
