Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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