I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
