the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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