last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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