I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
