The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
