He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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