I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
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She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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