Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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