four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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