please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
