last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
