How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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