i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
