Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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