I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
