im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
