My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
