Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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