i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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