I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
