well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
